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So, I got married October 10, 2009.
Could I really just have had a conversation with Michael about whether he or I should move out?

So, to back it up a bit - I have been a little (read: a lot) depressed about things lately: my weight, my job, and frankly, my marriage. Mike & I have not had sex yet in 2011. Not even a heavy make-out session. Closest to intimacy is him rubbing my feet or giving me a massage.
And 2010 was not much better - we didn't have sex more than 10 times in the entire year, and not since October. So, how many months is that since I have had sex with my husband? WAy too long to even count.

I recently began attending OA (overeateres anonymous). I have had a huuuuge (no pun intended, but its kind of funny so I am leaving it) since 1999. The same 85-100 pounds have been lost & gained.

I was never thin thin, but normal weight until I was sexually assualted, and ever since, I have sought solace in food. While I realize that I need to seek counseling for what happened to me, I am really proud of myself for going to theses meetings & trying to put my life back on track one item at a time.

So, anyway. Mike & I were talking about stuff, and I asked if he was happy, or if he was just content living like roommates. Becuase that is what we are. We live together & don't have intimacy. We split the bills, the chores, and the DVR.

I often describe us (to anyone who has kids) that we engage in parallel play. We live together, and watch TV together, and we rarely INTERACT. We are just doing the same things in the same places at the same time. Thtas what we have in common right now.

He said everything is fine, he's just not in too sex with me. Because of work, but he said, honestly because of your weight.

Ummm, wtf? I was fat when he married me, after having gained weight. I was fat when he met me, lost a on of weight, and when I was stressed about all the negative stuff at work & wedding planning, gained it all back. So it is NOT like I pulled a bait & switch, you know?

He met a fattie, dated a fattie & then a thinnie, and MARRIED a fattie.
I loved him for so many reasons, but one important thing I really loved about him was that I truly believed we were meant to be - and that he would love me no matter what.

And apparently, not so much.
Devestated is not the word for how I feel, it goes so far beyond that.


( 4 comments — Leave a comment )
Mar. 4th, 2011 03:57 am (UTC)
I'm so so sorry, Katie. That is so incredibly dense and hurtful of him. I have to say, it sounds to me like he might have some issues of his own that he needs to work through that are part of the reason he personally isn't interested in sex, but it's an easier scapegoat for him to blame your weight rather than look within. So often, problems aren't actually on the surface, they're much deeper, but it's easier to find something that IS on the surface to blame. I hope that makes some kind of sense.

I know you know this already, but you are an amazing person who deserves to be treated as such. You've been a survivor your entire life, from the things you faced in your childhood to the sexual assualt you endured to the continuing issues with your family to recent abuse you've faced at work. Lesser people would have thrown in the towel years ago, but you somehow manage to be the most giving, loving, SPARKLING person I know. I realize that what you project on the outside doesn't mean you're not still struggling on the inside, but the fact that you joined OA is an amazing first step. Connections you make there might lead you to find a counselor to work through some of your other depression and issues from your past who would be particularly sensitive or knowledgable with relation to the compulsive eating that has been your coping mechanism. I think Mike should appreciate that you're taking steps to become a better Katie, a better version of the person he fell in love with (and I don't just mean physically, obviously). You're in a vulnerable position and he's crapping on you instead of going out of his way to support you.

As far as your marriage goes, you might want to consider some kind of couples therapy to figure out why it is that you're living parallel lives instead of one shared life as a couple. It's not all about sex, even though it's definitely important. It's feeling like you're each your own person but also one unit... like the corny "Two became one" marriage saying. I think there's some truth to that. I know you love Mike and want your marriage to work, so it'd be worth doing some serious work to see how to improve it. But, on the flip side, even though you don't want your marriage to fail, you're only 31 years old. If Mike isn't the person who's going to make you truly, blissfully happy and that you want to grow old with, to be blunt, it's probably best to find that out as soon as possible. You have your whole life ahead of you, and you deserve a partner who makes you feel like the beautiful, amazing woman you are.

Call me if you want to, on my cell phone. Boys are asleep, so I could definitely talk if you want! I'll also be on and off line, if you'd rather have a virtual talk! I love you so much. I'm proud of you for taking steps to move forward to be happy. You just deserve EVERYTHING good in life, my beautiful friend.
Mar. 4th, 2011 06:16 am (UTC)
I hate that I'm at work right now and can't talk to you! Please call me tomorrow!
Mar. 4th, 2011 01:02 pm (UTC)
I am so sorry you are going through this! I don't even know where to begin. Can I just ditto everything Chrissy said? I just want to say I am very proud of you for going to the OA meetings. I know you mentioned you were thinking about going, so I am glad to hear you have gone. I really wish Michael was being supportive of you right now especially when you are trying to take steps towards working on things that are making you unhappy instead of making you feel worse. I do agree with Chrissy about looking into some sort of couples therapy to work on some of these issues together. You are an amazing person and I admire you for so many reasons and don't know where I would be without you in my life. I know you have been sad for awhile and wish I was closer to help you more. I feel terrible that I wasn't able to talk to you when you called last night, stupid work :( Just remember I am always here for you!
Mar. 5th, 2011 02:30 am (UTC)
Katie, I'm so sorry to hear about all of this. :( You're such a beautiful person and it kills me to think that you're with someone who can't see that. I really appreciate you allowing me to see this post and for opening up like this. If there's ever anything I can do for you, please let me know. And please keep me posted on all of this. I hope talking about things with him will help somehow. Have you guys talked at all about going to therapy together?
( 4 comments — Leave a comment )