?

Log in

No account? Create an account

25 pounds down.....

so many more to go
I feel like Michael took away my safe place. I used to come home & feel just that - at home. Comfortable, not afraid to be judged. I was never afarid to be goofy, silly, ridiculous. And who cared what I looked like?

But now that's all I can think about - I took a shower & for the first time in forever, was self-conscious in my towel.

This sucks.

divorce?!?!?!?

So, I got married October 10, 2009.
Could I really just have had a conversation with Michael about whether he or I should move out?

So, to back it up a bit - I have been a little (read: a lot) depressed about things lately: my weight, my job, and frankly, my marriage. Mike & I have not had sex yet in 2011. Not even a heavy make-out session. Closest to intimacy is him rubbing my feet or giving me a massage.
And 2010 was not much better - we didn't have sex more than 10 times in the entire year, and not since October. So, how many months is that since I have had sex with my husband? WAy too long to even count.

I recently began attending OA (overeateres anonymous). I have had a huuuuge (no pun intended, but its kind of funny so I am leaving it) since 1999. The same 85-100 pounds have been lost & gained.

I was never thin thin, but normal weight until I was sexually assualted, and ever since, I have sought solace in food. While I realize that I need to seek counseling for what happened to me, I am really proud of myself for going to theses meetings & trying to put my life back on track one item at a time.

So, anyway. Mike & I were talking about stuff, and I asked if he was happy, or if he was just content living like roommates. Becuase that is what we are. We live together & don't have intimacy. We split the bills, the chores, and the DVR.

I often describe us (to anyone who has kids) that we engage in parallel play. We live together, and watch TV together, and we rarely INTERACT. We are just doing the same things in the same places at the same time. Thtas what we have in common right now.

He said everything is fine, he's just not in too sex with me. Because of work, but he said, honestly because of your weight.


Ummm, wtf? I was fat when he married me, after having gained weight. I was fat when he met me, lost a on of weight, and when I was stressed about all the negative stuff at work & wedding planning, gained it all back. So it is NOT like I pulled a bait & switch, you know?

He met a fattie, dated a fattie & then a thinnie, and MARRIED a fattie.
I loved him for so many reasons, but one important thing I really loved about him was that I truly believed we were meant to be - and that he would love me no matter what.

And apparently, not so much.
Devestated is not the word for how I feel, it goes so far beyond that.

Feeling ....

So, an ex-boyfriend of mine friended me on facebook, and I knew he had gotten married 2 or so years ago, totally okay with that. Happy for him. He had no photos, so I "stalked" his friends list & found his sister - her profile pic is her holding a cute little baby. So OF COURSE I went on to her profile & saw the comments on the photo - Brady John, born June 10th to Kenny...

I almost threw up with resentment, or sadness, or both. I want a beautiful baby. HE didn't, at least when we were together. Just feeling jealous, or sad, brutes.
Five Things I Am Thankful For This Week:

1. That a really horrible employee gave me her notice yesterday. I have been trying to get rid of her for weeks becuase of her HORRIBLE attitude, and last night, she walked out of the job. Mind you, she did it as she SEVERELY cursed me out and got in my face, for which I am NOT thankful for, but I am grateful that despite all the HORRIBLE things she said to me, I kept my cool & did not engage.

2. SNOW! Although its sometimes a pain in the arse, (like it was driving home tonight), it is really just so very pretty & makes me feel like a kid again. I called Mike when I got home and had him meet me with a glass of wine & we stood and watched the snow & chatted for a bit before going back upstairs. Okay, it actually was a Miller Lite, but really, the story sounded so much better with the red wine, am I right?!?!? Who knew props meant so much?

3. The new Gillian & O'Malley pajamas I got at Target today. I doscovered the line before my honeymoon, and they are literally the coziest pajamas ever. They feel like the softest t-shirt you gave ever felt.... I got a cute tank nightie, and a long-sleeve, empire waist one otday that I am currently rocking while hanging out with my DVR.

4.

5.

Thankful List

Five Things I am Thankful for Today:

and before I write this, I am realizing that I am always WAY more comfortable with finding the flaws then the good things - as ANY of my employees can tell you!

1. A really good discussion with my boss, Andy. I told him how overwhelmed I have been feeling, and that it was getting to the point where I was entertaining the idea of leaving the company, and we had a really good talk about ways he can be more of a support in the store & for me.

2. Facebook for being a fun, if sometimes way too distracting, diversion in a day. I like that I can keep up with my friends like Chrissy & Jackie who (whom?) I don't get to talk to nearly enough, as well as seeing what completely random people are up to in life.

3. The amazingly cozy, if not very stylish sweater I got a few weeks ago from Target. It's super long chenille, and while I would not really wear it out, its great for "snuggle time".

4. Crushed ice. I loooooove fountain sodas, and I have been drinking soda from a straw with tons of crushed ice lately, and it totally feels like I am getting it from a fountain as opposed to a can. Ahhh, the simple things.

5. Michael, for reason # 45762314589 - I was at work FOREVER - from 6pm to 3 am, and then had to be back at 6 am fro truck this morning, so he went out & got my fave meal - chicken enchiladas & is making me chocolate mousse ( um, the diet - not really working out so much)

Thankful - Two words or less version

1. Health Insurance
2. Gossip Magazines
3. Michael
4. Miller Lite
5. Blankets

Tags:

1 ticket to crazy-town, please....

I didn't want to post on facebook, because I am sure this is not quite the norm. But I was having a sad day, and not feeling so good about myself, so I pulled a MOnica from Friends & decided to wear my veil this evening - now I feel so pretty & sparkly....

Thankful List

Ooops - it's been a while... Alana, how do you do it?!?!?

1. Being at home snuggled in a cozy blanket with my wonderful husband.
2. Only havong to work till 5:30 tommorrow - normalcy is grand!
3. Talking to Jackie last night & catching up on tons of stuff.
4. The hot dogs & tater tots Mike made me for dinner. (I have the palate of a three year old)
5. Criminal Minds being on this evening
just lazing around today becuase i have to do an overnight floor set at work. going in at 5 until whenever we get done - but hopefully no later than 2 or 3, because i have to work tommorrow as well....